You think I look bad, you should see the other guy
And other things I said with blood in my nose
Last month, actually two months ago since it’s taken me until September to post this, I had sinus surgery. I told you about it in my last newsletter. They went in and broke the little eggshell-like plates in my left cheek and did some kind of balloon shit in my right cheek. In typical Carver’s-gonna-tell-you-a-bunch-of-stuff-you-probably-don’t-need-to-know fashion, get a load of this shit! It was a fiasco, man!
So, I went to the VA hospital, and I was taken back to the prep room where the nurse gave me those tight white compression socks used during surgery, some knee-high yellow grip socks, the gown that flaps open in the back to show your ass cheeks, and a bunch of directions delivered way too quickly for me – apparently.
She pulled the curtain closed and sped off to the nurses’ station twenty yards or so away. I proceeded to change out of my clothes and into my surgery wardrobe. Now, I did remember her warning me the socks would be super tight, so I rolled them down to the toes first (this comes from experience with kids), got the socks on, put the other socks on top of those, and then put on my gown. It was a bitch to do, but I managed.
“I’m ready,” I announced.
A few seconds later I heard nurses snickering on the other side. They were laughing at me and all they could see were my feet at the bottom of the curtain.
“What is it?” I called out. I hadn’t even turned around, so I knew they hadn’t seen my hairy ass at the back of my gown. Besides, I’d Nair’d. I was good to go. I was as smooth as all those TV show actors with those bullshit bald asses we’re all supposed to believe are natural. I definitely wasn’t going to get made fun of for my ass.
Not today!
“What are y’all laughing at?” I asked. “What did I do wrong?”
“We’re all just trying to figure out how you got the tight white socks over the yellow grip socks,” a nurse called out.
“Isn’t that what you told me to do?”
“No,” my nurse replied, “but we’re all really impressed right now. Those things are hard to put on the right way, so we have no idea how you managed to get them on the wrong way.”
As I looked down at my legs and feet, I realized how ridiculous it was that I’d put the grip socks, meant to grip the fucking floor, under the compression socks which would probably have me slipping all over the place. But, hey – I thought I was following directions.
It took me a few more minutes and some more huffing and puffing, but I fixed the damn socks. Then they wheeled me back to the operating room. They gave me the good-good gas and knocked me out. When I woke up, I had bandages over my nose and strings taped to the side of it. I didn’t really know what I looked like until I recorded a half-dazed TikTok and uploaded it. I looked like shit. See?
We left the hospital and since I hadn’t eaten all day, I told Jules I wanted to go to Arby’s. I didn’t remember anyone saying anything about not eating specific foods (I read later in the discharge notes that I probably shouldn’t have eaten Arby’s).
When I approached the counter, the girl taking my order couldn’t have been older than maybe seventeen or eighteen. She looked horrified and was barely paying attention to anything I was saying. She stopped me mid-order, with a scrunched-up face, and asked, “Sir, are you okay?”
Jules started cracking up laughing. I didn’t realize how much blood had seeped onto the bandage. I took this picture when we got back to the car.
She must have thought I’d gotten my ass kicked or had just gotten robbed or something. I laughed and said, “Yeah, if you think I look bad, you should see the other guy.”
The Arby’s girl kind of laughed and repeated, “Yeah, but are you okay?”
Then I explained that I’d had surgery. She didn’t seem to buy it.
We drove home and didn’t realize until we got there (we live about an hour away from the hospital) that I’d been given the one antibiotic I’m allergic to. So, the next morning we went back to the hospital to get the right meds. That wasn’t so bad because I got to have lunch with my gorgeous wife and best friend while we waited for my prescription to be filled.
I was given instructions to return to the hospital two weeks after the operation to have the packing removed. That seemed like a ridiculous amount of time. Especially with these strings taped to the outside of my nose. That shit tickled! And they kept getting sucked into my nose at night when I slept. I’d have to wake up each morning, find them, and re-tape them.
Originally, I was supposed to have this shit done a few days before Scares That Care Authorcon earlier this year. The doctor assured me I’d be good to go and wouldn’t have any problem being on panels and stuff like that. Yeah, with strings hanging out my nose. Thank God I waited!
Anyway, I did okay until the night before I was supposed to have the packing removed. I was standing in the kitchen when Jules said, “Baby, you’re missing one of your strings.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I mean your string isn’t there.”
I felt alongside my nose and sure enough, the string on the right side was gone. I ran to the bathroom and looked. Nope. Gone. I’d sucked that son of a bitch right up there. I tried to lightly blow my nose. No luck. See? I was missing a string!
The problem with missing a string is… kind of like a tampon, you need to be able to tug on that string to pull that packing out. That packing that’s been up there soaking up blood and nastiness for two weeks!
The next day, we went to the ENT office, and I told the nurse we had a problem. She laughed and made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. So, I figured, it must happen all the time. She was sure she’d find the string.
Well, she couldn’t. Eventually, she said, “Maybe you swallowed it.”
“Swallowed it?” I asked. “Like the whole packing?” I’d already seen the size of the one she’d pulled out of the left side and it was like half the size of a chalkboard eraser. I said, “Uh…I would have felt that going down my throat.”
She said, “Well, you’ll know when you poop it out.”
WTF? No! I can’t leave like that!
Jules spoke up and said, “There’s no way he swallowed it. That’s crazy. He would’ve choked on it.”
The nurse said, “I can send you down to the ER and we can do an X-ray and see if it shows up still back there in your nose somewhere.”
I said, “I probably sniffed it up into my brain by now.”
Before going to the ER, the nurse suggested I try lightly blowing my nose again. So, I did, and luckily she saw the black string, but that sucker was waaaaaaaaaay back there. She used tweezers, and I’m telling you if getting the first pack out was uncomfortable, her digging with those tweezers and accidentally tugging on nostril hairs sucked, man! That shit hurt. My eyes kept watering up and it still tickled but hurt, too! Finally, she got it out!
Then, as I’m sitting there in pain, in front of this woman and my wife, with no mirror and no napkin or anything, the nurse has the damn audacity to say, “Oh, you got a little boogie situation there.”
I said, “I’m sure I fuckin’ do! You just pulled a fistful of gauze out of my brain! Can you give me a second of privacy here so I can wipe my nose? At least turn your heads for a second. Damn!”
We were all laughing as I wiped my face. Talk about a moment of humiliation. I was fucking crying and had blood and snot all coming out my nose and you’re gonna mention the boogie situation?!
So that happened.
What else?
Oh, want to hear about another boogie situation?
Diablo Snuff Vs. Gods of the Dark Web
Yes! Lucas Mangum and I are boogie-ing through this book, man. See what I did there? Yeah, we’re shooting this book back and forth, and we are having a blast with this one.
I’d pretty much finished up my Diablo Snuff world. Well, not really. Diablo Snuff is one of those books/worlds that will probably never be fully closed. There’s always the potential to open it back up and play in that sandbox. I mean Diablo Snuff is my version of the ultimate evil. It’s a sinister organization that has its hands in everything evil going on in the world. Lucas’s Gods of the Dark Web is kind of the same thing but a little more modern - more on the technical side of things. For both of us, dabbling in these worlds again just came so easy for us. It’s been so much fun. We just started and we’re already at 20k words. It almost feels like the book is writing itself. Like Diablo Snuff and Gods of the Dark Web are pulling the strings and we’re simply the puppets tapping away at the keys. Their story will be written and it’ll be finished soon. I know we’re excited. Hopefully, you are too.
If you haven’t started my Diablo Snuff series, you can find it HERE.
And if you haven’t read Lucas Mangum’s Gods of the Dark Web or his Digital Darkness series, you can find them both HERE.
Kin of the Fallen
I think I’m finally ready to reveal the synopsis for Kin of the Fallen. I don’t have a cover for it. I have the image in my mind, I’m just trying to figure out who I want to contact to have this created. I’m at about the 70k word mark right now with the first draft, so I’m almost ready to put the pre-order up. I think once I have a cover ready, I’ll be prepared to do that. Here’s the synopsis I’m planning to put on Amazon. You’re seeing it here first. Thank you to Lisa Lee Tone for looking over this for me and helping me tweak it a bit.
It’s Serial Killer VS Bikers
When slashers kill, they don’t only slay the victims, they destroy the loved ones left picking up the pieces of their shattered lives.
The parents.
The children.
The siblings.
The uncles, aunts, cousins, friends…
Each handles grief in his or her own way. When therapy and support groups aren’t enough, some band together and form a motorcycle club hellbent on revenge.
The Kin of the Fallen MC – “Grief breeds rage and vengeance.”
It’s their creed. It’s on the patch they wear. They’re no longer victims. They’re vigilantes.
For Vigil and his crew, hunting these killers before they strike again is the only thing that eases the pain and satisfies the need for justice.
For Bailey, just trying to get by without drinking herself to death after witnessing the brutal murder of her twin brother, new club member Owen is a welcome distraction.
For serial killer Craw, the Kin of the Fallen MC represents a real challenge. Their leader took to the news and claimed they’d put an end to any psycho out there—if Vigil got his hands on a killer, they’d wish they were never born. Well, Craw’s coming for them, and he’s ready to call their bluff.
While some killers pursue the final girl, Craw wants to slaughter everyone else left alive.
I’ll keep you all posted and let you know when that pre-order goes up. I’ll also be launching my online store soon. It’ll have merchandise tied to this book. I’m really excited about that.
What’s on TV?
We finished Handmaid’s Tale and we’re waiting on the next season to come out on Hulu. It looks good, too. The trailer just went up not too long ago and it looks badass. I also finished The Boys, and I’m waiting very impatiently for the next season of that one. That show is phenomenal. I might have to try Umbrella Academy. Maybe that’ll hold me over for a little while.
It’s no secret I’m kind of a reality TV junkie, too. There’s just something about watching other people’s drama that makes me feel better about mine - I guess, lol. We just finished watching the fourth season of Love Island U.S. Season 4.
I’m kind of in a show hangover now. I don’t really know what to watch. I want to watch House of the Dragon, but I think I’d rather wait until the season is finished and binge the whole thing. I may lose some friends over this but I was never a Lord of the Rings fan. That new show on Prime looks great though, so I may have to check that out. Sandman looked cool. I watched a couple of episodes of that. You should let me know in the comments what I’m missing. Tell me what new shows are a must-watch.
What am I reading?
I’m still reading James Newman’s Midnight Rain and I’m liking that one a lot. I’m also still making my way through Stephen King’s Night Shift. I don’t read from my paperbacks as often as I’d like to since a majority of my time spent reading is right before I fall asleep. I tend to use my kindle as a way to unwind and relax.
Thanks to Brian Keene’s newsletter, I’ve been picking up some books of his I was missing. He’s been putting his ebooks up, one at a time, for $.99 for a week, cycling through all his books, which is pretty cool. He also mentioned in a past newsletter that Bryan Smith had his Depraved books, I think all of them after the first one, listed for $.99 each. Seeing that reminded me I already had the first book on my kindle but had never read it. So, I cracked that open, and I’ve been hooked since I started it. I didn’t know what I was missing. Depraved by Bryan Smith is insane! It might be one of my favorite books now. I’m glad I grabbed the rest of the series. I know Brian and Bryan are working on a Clickers book together. I can see their styles blending well.
Also, in audiobook, I finished Keene’s City of the Dead, which I loved. You can definitely see how The Rising and City of the Dead have influenced a lot of recent zombie works. I love how fast-paced these books were. I also listened to Riley Sager’s Home Before Dark. That was my first Sager book. I thought it was pretty cool how it went back and forth between the dad’s story in the past and the daughter’s in the present. Now, I’m listening to My Heart is a Chainsaw by Stephen Graham Jones and I like it so far. Not a whole lot has happened yet, as I’m still pretty early in the story, but I like hearing all the slasher movie tie-ins and I like the quirky main character of Jade.
Other news?
It’s been so long since my last newsletter that I forget what’s happened between then and now. Ah, the Splatterpunk Awards happened. The Maddening did not win in the novel category, but that didn’t surprise me. There were so many amazing books and stories nominated this year. Here’s the list of winners for anyone who might have missed it. I want to say a big congratulations to all the winners.
Best Novel: The Night Stockers by Kristopher Triana & Ryan Harding (The Evil Cookie)
Best Novella: Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke by Eric LaRocca (Weirdpunk)
Best Short Story: “Next Best Baker” by Jeff Strand (Baker’s Dozen)
Best Collection: Beyond Reform by Jon Athan, Aron Beauregard & Jasper Bark (Aron Beauregard Horror)
Best Anthology: TIE (both winners) Body Shocks by Ellen Datlow (Tachyon) and Baker’s Dozen by Candace Nola (Uncomfortably Dark)
J.F. Gonzalez Lifetime Achievement Award was given to Clive Barker
The inaugural Splatterpunk Hall of Legends was also announced. The inductees:
David G. Barnett
Gak
J.F. Gonzalez
Charlee Jacob
Jack Ketchum
Richard Laymon
John Pelan
Some other news. I can’t let this issue of my newsletter slip by without thanking fellow author and reader, John Lynch, for his kind words and reviews about so many of my books, especially for what he wrote on Twitter and in a recent review on his blog.
If you’ve been following me for any amount of time, you’ve probably seen me mention Bentley Little at some point. I’ve been a fan of his work for a long time. He’s one of the authors I usually credit for inspiring my work. So, I thought this was pretty cool. I’m going to post the image here for his Twitter post and also post the link to John’s blog review of Grad Night. Please check out his blog, give him a follow, check out his work, and help me show my appreciation. Thank you, John.
And please click HERE to go to his blog post about Grad Night.
Podcasts and Interviews
In my last newsletter, I mentioned that I was starting to do more interviews and podcast appearances. Since then, I’ve been on quite a few, and it’s been a blast. Here are the ones I’ve rounded up from memory. Please forgive me if I missed any in this newsletter. If I forgot to add yours, it definitely wasn’t intentional. Please message me and I’ll make sure it’s added to the next issue.
The Bleeding Keyboard with Ashley Lister on YouTube - April 8th - This was a great interview. Ashley is an author himself and we discussed lots of tips and tricks of the trade. I added this one to the list because I don’t think I ever mentioned it in a newsletter and it belongs in this section here. Click HERE to watch it.
Family Fright Night Horror Podcast with Chase Will on Spotify - July 14th - We discussed the movie Demons and other things horror - Click HERE.
Bloody Good Reads Podcast with Mark Goddard on Spotify - July 18th - We discussed the horror writing world while I also talked about my 3 picks for books that inspired me - Click HERE.
Skull Session with Dan Henk on YouTube - July 22nd - We discussed my start as a horror author and the ins and outs of the craft - Click HERE.
Rebeccah Reviews on YouTube - August 12th - I had a blast talking with Rebeccah. She put together an awesome intro for me. We discussed all kinds of stuff about the indie horror world - Click HERE.
Panic Room Radio with James Longmore and Xtina Marie - September 8th - We discussed my latest book, Faces of Beth, and I read an excerpt from the book - Click HERE.
First Chapter Freakshow Episodes
I’ve definitely slowed down recording my First Chapter Freakshow episodes on YouTube, but I haven’t stopped. Life and writing has just made me pump the brakes a bit. So I don’t have as many episodes to share with you in this issue. Here are the ones I’ve recorded since last time.
Episode 57: Tales from the Trunk by Linley Marcum
Episode 58: The One, Book Two of the Rebecca Mythos by Edmund Stone
Written in Red
I’m also one of the co-hosts of the Written in Red podcast with Aron Beauregard, Daniel J. Volpe, and Rowland Bercy Jr. Due to personal matters, I miss some of the episodes, but I was there for the Dawn Shea interview.
Here are the episodes we recorded since my last newsletter.
Episode 34: Dawn Shea Interview
Episode 35: Kristopher Triana Interview
Episode 36: Splatterpunk Award Special
I guess that’s about it for this issue. If you’re not already following me, make sure you’re hitting me up in all these places:
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/carver.pike.98/
Facebook Author Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/carverpikereadergroup
TikTok: @carverpike
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/CarverPike
Instagram: @carverpike
Twitter: @carverpike
And please make sure you subscribe to this substack and share it with your friends.
Thanks for linking my review, Carver. I hope your nose is feeling better now. Can't wait for kin of the fallen, it sounds awesome!