My Wife Harasses Me and So Does My Fitbit
And other stuff I need to get off my chest
I don’t know where the conversation happened or why it happened. I’m not sure what kickstarted it. Maybe it was a TikTok or a funny meme. I suppose it could have been the subject of a TV show we were watching. I honestly don’t remember, but the subject came up at some point about straight men having man-crushes. Jules asked me if I had one. Our conversation probably went something like this:
Jules: So, what about you?
Me: What about me?
Jules: Do you have a man-crush?
Me: Uh, no.
Jules: Come on. Nobody?
Me: No, I mean, when I was a kid, I might have had kind of what you might sort of maybe like possibly could call a man-crush on Patrick Swayze. But just ‘cause I was young and when I saw Dirty Dancing and then Red Dawn, I just thought he was the coolest guy ever. So, it was more like I wanted to BE him.
See, that’s where I made my mistake because I love my wife with all my heart, but she’s a fuckin’ brat. And I’ve since found out, she’s a bit of a bully.
Now, she likes to fuck with me all the time about it. Like whenever we’re in Walmart, she tries to stick random objects up my ass. Usually, I’m the one pushing the cart while she peruses the skincare products or make-up or whatever her little heart desires. I’m just there to keep the cart moving along until we reach the DVD section (yes, I still collect DVDs).
Sometimes I zone out or I’ll be on my phone checking social media when all of a sudden - WHOA! - Jules just tried to stick a shampoo bottle up my asshole. Naturally, I jump, swat it away, shriek a little (while I recapture the soul that almost left my body), and say, “What the hell, man?”
Her response? “Well, it’s just that, you know, you kinda had a thing for Patrick Swayze.”
“That doesn’t mean I want shampoo bottles up my asshole!” was my immediate response, followed by, “And it wasn’t a thing. I wanted to be him.”
This is totally a true story. It happened most recently this past Friday night. I was paranoid as hell when we passed the patriotic area of the store. The flagpoles had sharp arrows at the end!
When we went for ice cream one time, I opted for the waffle cone. Of course, as soon as we got in the car, my cone started to drip at the bottom and my napkin wasn’t quite cutting it. Jules said, “Just suck it out the bottom.” My brain screamed, “Don’t do it!” But I had this delicious frozen treat running all over my hands, and I really didn’t want the remains of my amazing Bananas Foster ice cream in my lap. So, I did what I think most of you would have done, and I sucked the ice cream out the bottom while mumbling, “You better not fuckin’ film this.”
As soon as my mouth touched the bottom of that cone, I knew it was a bad idea. I heard her giggle and say, “You did kind of have a thing for Patrick Swayze.”
I can hear you all giving me shit now. But come on!
Who didn’t want to dance with sexy women after watching Patrick Swayze do it?
Who didn’t want to be a bouncer and kick people out of bars or rob banks in masks of ex-presidents or sit behind Demi Moore in the middle of the night and make clay pots? We all fucking did! And don’t you dare lie about it!
Okay, back to the harassment. I asked for a Fitbit for my birthday, which I think I mentioned getting in my last newsletter. Jules got me one. I still haven’t quite figured it out yet. But I strapped that sucker to my wrist a few days after my birthday in April, and I’ve been a lazy ass ever since. My Fitbit makes sure to remind me about it constantly.
Then, of course, I read Brian Keene’s newsletter and saw that a group of authors are now joining Fitbit forces to keep each other accountable and have fun getting their steps in. Bridgett Nelson has mentioned her steps, and I think Jeff Strand has mentioned his. I know Godless creator, Drew Stepek, loves his Fitbit. He’s the one who convinced me to get one. Jules won’t even let me hold her hand if she’s trying to get her steps for the day because I’ll stop her arm from swinging and mess up her count.
I need to get serious about this shit. And I need to find out more about these author Fitbit groups because I seriously need to get some steps in. I think I logged 65 the other day and those 65 were probably the result of me moving my hands a lot when I talk. I’m part Italian. I’m fuckin’ animated when I talk. All I do is sit at the computer and that’s not healthy. I could die like this. My legs actually hurt from sitting so much. The problem is, there’s a good chance I might die walking out on that winding West Virginia road I live on. Trucks take those corners at like 45mph, on the wrong side of the road. Let’s hope I’m not predicting my own demise here.
But this isn’t about me. It’s about my Fitbit harassing me. Because I could be in the middle of a great scene, punching out a kickass story, hitting a high word count, and my wrist will buzz. I look over and my Fitbit is saying, “It’s time to get moving.” I’m like, “You know what? Fuck you, Fitbit! I’m trying to write a scene where this monstrous fucking maniacal killer snaps this dude’s spine in half like a twig! So back off me.”
Am I the only one who often feels like one of those characters from the Sims video game where the day just flies by and you barely have time to eat and use the bathroom, let alone squeeze in time to take a walk?
I should ask myself, what would Patrick Swayze do?
All my 80s movie heroes would not only find time to walk, but they’d windsprint that shit like Schwarzenegger in The Running Man.
I mean, Steven Seagal punched 2x4s wrapped in rope in his backyard, did acupuncture, and ran up a mountain. Granted, it was all after his family was brutally murdered, he was put in a coma, and then someone tried to murder him in the hospital when he came out of that coma. Still, what do you think he’d do if he had a Fitbit? He’d at least walk.
Man, it’s late as I’m writing this and poor Steve was only one almost-not-deleted “M” away from suffering a really bad comma.
The movie Hard Target did not age well. Ah… 80s nostalgia.
Break… break… break…
Writing these newsletters is fun and all, but what would an author newsletter be without a word from our sponsors? And by sponsors, I mean my books because that’s what this is kind of all about. Without some virtual ink splattered over digital paper or some good old-fashioned print on chopped-down trees, I wouldn’t be able to entertain y’all. So, let me pause this ridiculous peek into my life to tell you about one of my books.
The Grindhouse is the second book in my Diablo Snuff series but the cool thing about this series is the books can be read in any order as long as the final book, The Maddening, is read last. All the books in the series are stand-alone stories and they’re all completely different from the others. The Grindhouse is a favorite of many readers, and I realize I often neglect it since it isn’t the first book and isn’t the last. For a long time, probably until Slaughter Box was written, this was my personal favorite of the series. If I were to give it a re-read, it might still be. I don’t know though, The Maddening is pretty wild.
Tobias, who writes under the pen name T.K. Tantrum, has received a special gift from his assistant. He's going to an author retreat where he will get the chance to sit and write at the desk of his fallen idol, Melvin Morose, a sick and demented horror writer who hanged himself in the very room in which Tobias will be working.
The Grand Georgina, the venue for the retreat, was once a stop on the Underground Railroad, but this hotel is much more than a haunted historical relic. It has become a sick and twisted playground for an evil, demonic company called Diablo Snuff.
I suck at writing blurbs. I’ve admitted that many times. The author party orgy scene on broken glass seems to draw people in, so there’s that. It’s a pretty twisted book. I had a lot of fun writing this one. Hopefully you’ll check it out by clicking on the book image above or you can click HERE.
Okay, back to our scheduled program…
Have you seen the new Top Gun?!
Speaking of nostalgic shit, we just got home from watching Top Gun: Maverick and it was awesome. It was the first time in a long time that I felt like a kid again at the movie theater. The first movie had that magic that only certain films possess. It was the movie that made me want to join the military. I was convinced until I was in high school that I would be a fighter pilot until one day, while playing football, I noticed the numbers on the opposing team’s jerseys looked a little blurry. My eyesight started to go downhill, and I needed glasses. Pilots had to have 20/20 vision, so there went that dream.
Seeing the sequel brought back that awe, wonder, and nervous energy I had watching the original as a kid. Tom Cruise said they waited like 36 years to make this one because everything had to be perfect. Well, they did a damn good job.
So, now, after going to the movies, I find myself awake, by myself, at 2am Sunday morning writing this newsletter on my phone’s memo pad (I know, it took me until Wednesday to send it out). Why am I up this late writing my newsletter?
Again, it’s my wife’s fault. She THINKS she has super powers. This is the woman who falls asleep on my chest every night at about 9pm. So, when we were leaving the theater at about 9:30pm, I yawned, and said I was kind of tired, she seemed offended when she replied with, “What? Don’t even start that. Let’s get coffee.”
Because, in her mind, she’s a rock star and she was ready to hang out all night.
So we got coffee. I forgot that for her extremely ADHD brain, she can drink a gallon of coffee and go straight to sleep. An hour later, we were at home, I massaged her back because she was in a lot of pain, and she passed the fuck out. Like immediately. An hour after drinking a trenta-sized (the huge one) cold brew coffee from Starbucks.
Me? I’m wired. I watched part of a TV show, watched some of a movie, and am now writing this newsletter.
This is the reason I often find myself tenderly touching Jules’s cheeks, staring into her beautiful brown eyes, and quoting a line from the moving Finding Nemo. The one the dad says to the son. “You think you can do these things, Nemo, but you just can’t.”
As in stay up late.
Now, I’m gonna put the finishing touches on this newsletter and read some more of the ARC copy I got of Grandpappy by Patrick C. Harrison III A.K.A. PCIII. You can pick up a pre-order copy by clicking the cover image below. The book, like this nasty-ass cover, is pretty twisted so far.
What else am I reading?
I’m reading the ARC of Southern Fried and Horrified by Ronald Kelly and it’s awesome. Not only does it shine a great big spotlight on his writing process but it takes us back to the beginning of his journey and carries us through it. You can pre-order the limited hardcover HERE. I’m really digging it. I’m also listening to Ronald Kelly’s Fear on audiobook, and I’m loving it.
Restless Void by Lucas Mangum. I’ve made it no secret that I’m a big fan of Lucas’s work. Gods of the Dark Web got me started on his books, and I’ve just been devouring his words ever since. If you’re a fan of my Diablo Snuff series and you’re not reading Lucas Mangum’s Gods of the Dark Web and his Digital Darkness series, you’re really missing out. As of right now, his Digital Darkness series isn’t available for sale, but Gods of the Dark Web is and can be picked up HERE. He’s currently working on a fucking brilliant omnibus edition of his Digital Darkness series that’ll combine all 3 books and some extra content. So keep your eyes open for that.
I’m also listening to the audiobook of Uncomfortably Dark presents Baker’s Dozen, the anthology put together by my good friend Candace Nola. I have a story in the collection called Blueberry Hill. It’s really cool to hear these stories in audio form. The narrator, Jamison Walker, does an excellent job. To check it out on audible click HERE.
What’s Coming Up?
I’m working on a couple of short story collection books of my own. I’ve only written one story for each of them but the plan is to go back and forth between the two as I need something fresh to work on between novels. Both will have a running theme, so they won’t just be a hodgepodge of stories. I’ll reveal those themes at a later date.
I’m still working on Kin of the Fallen. I’m super excited about this story, and I think you guys will be too. It’s very violent and has a cool story flow. It’s a little bit different from my other works.
Those of you who are fans of my Edge of Reflection books will be happy to know I’ve picked up on Repressing Rage, the 5th book in that series, and I’m moving along with it. I think you’ll like where this one’s headed.
Wicked Roots is the motorcycle club story I’m working on with Jules. We’re writing that one under CM Genoese and Jules Genovese. We’re going to be passing this story back and forth. I wrote the first chapter and she’s working on the second. It’ll keep going like that. We were brainstorming the other night and have some pretty sick ideas for this one.
And there’s a special project I’m working on with another author. You guys are going to love this one. I wish I could tell you about it, but we haven’t agreed to take the lid off the can (pot?) just yet. I’m sure we’ll be telling you all about it soon.
On May 14th, I drove to Lewisburg, WV, which is only a little over an hour’s drive from my house. Jules brought Little Bit along and they did some shopping in this hip and trendy little neighborhood while I signed books at A New Chapter bookstore with fellow WV horror author Paul Lubaczewski. We had a great time and even got a couple of our books put up on the store’s horror shelf. So if you happen to stop by the store, look for our work. Here’s a photo of us hanging out at A New Chapter.
I was able to snag a copy of Paul’s new book I Never Eat…Cheesesteak while I was there. We even had a bite to eat at a local burger joint called The Asylum and grabbed some coffee after. Here’s that book I picked up. It’s Paul’s new one. You should definitely check it out if you like horror comedy and dig vampires. I love this cover. Click on the cover to go to the Amazon page. It was awesome meeting another local horror author. We have some seriously kickass authors here in this state.
The weekend of May 20th-22nd, Jules and I rushed to Columbus, Ohio, and jumped back into the BRAE22 signing. We were originally slated to be a part of this one but had to cancel due to the little one’s soccer tournament. Then because of an issue with the tournament were able to attend the signing. Our great friend JoAnna Marie Edger is the host of the signing, so she kept a spot for us. This was her first live event and she did an outstanding job. People are already excited about the BRAE23 event, which we’re planning to attend as well. If you’re a reader and you’re anywhere near the area, you should definitely consider attending next year. This is the Facebook group for the event: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2533827673381581 and JoAnna has already been busy announcing next year’s authors.
Here’s a pic of Jules and I sharing a table at BRAE22.
As far as events planned for the future, I did purchase a table for Scares That Care Authorcon 2, so Jules and I will be at that one next year. Also, in 2023, Jules will be hosting Naughty Nashville, so I’ll definitely be at that one. Other than that, I’m not sure. Only time will tell. For now, I want to focus on getting some more books out.
First Chapter Freakshow Episodes
If you haven’t watched my YouTube show before, I like to read the beginning of my horror author friends’ books. If you like what you hear, hopefully, you’ll pick up a copy of the book and check out all the rest of their work. It’s just a way for you to meet authors you may not know already and for authors to find new readers. Click on one of the links below and then subscribe, like, all that jazz. I love having new viewers and subscribers. Since my last newsletter, I’ve recorded the following:
Written in Red
Lately, due to personal matters, health-related stuff, and things going on with the kids, I’ve had to miss a lot of episodes of Written in Red. Sadly, this means I’ve missed out on a lot of the interviews with some great guests. I’ve been on a few episodes, but the guys have done a great job of carrying on without me. I was there for the Ryan Harding and Matt Shaw episodes below but unfortunately missed the PCIII and Ronald Kelly shows which were both awesome and full of great info. Here are the episodes that have been recorded since my last newsletter:
I guess that’s about it for this issue. If you’re not already following me, make sure you’re hitting me up in all these places:
Facebook Author Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/carverpikereadergroup
And please make sure you subscribe to this substack and share it with your friends.